Let Me Shine Like the Moon

Lord, let me shine, shine like the moon

A reflection of You in all that I do

Lord, let me be a light for Your truth

Light of the world, I wanna be used to shine for You

A beautiful New York Moon

"The Heavens declare the glory of God; And the firmament shows His handiwork."

Psalms 19:1

Initiate: Meltdown Phase

Sunday night I laid on my bed and cried for an hour. Maybe it was the build up of things, maybe it was my mind running wild or maybe it was just me being me. A simple conversation on the phone turned into an hour long discussion with tears coming down my face. Because I was on my back, all the tears had gone into my ears (weird) and I probably have swimmer's ear right now.

I got Senioritis pretty bad my Senior year of high school. I failed a couple of tests because of it (and a trip to Spain. How was I supposed to concentrate when I was flying to Europe?!). It's different this time. I trust that God will put me where He wants me so I'm not too worried about post-grad but right now I feel like the campus is imploding on me. Some days I feel lonely and other days I don't get any work done because I socialized to much. I am finding the biggest crunch to do everything/say everything/see everything before I leave. ugh.

My mental state is so unstable right now. I had myself convinced I was both depressed and had an eating disorder. That is what happens when you're on a stationary bike for an hour staring at a blank wall. I knew I was not being rational, but who wants to admit that in the moment? Good thing my parents are stuck with me because, after that meltdown, they might have wanted a break.

Sometimes I feel like the best cure would be a hug from Jesus Himself. I find myself desiring that so much, especially in the times when I am discouraged and hurting. That is what I want most right now; a hug from the Son of God. Is it that so difficult to ask? I know I know... but still, a girl can dream, right? Good thing He loves me (regardless). In the middle of my meltdown my dad quietly said "For God so loved Krissy...." and I couldn't help but feel the hope the few words provided. Yeah, life was stinking at the moment but, how bad can it be when your dad puts your name into John 3:16 and reminds you of the love that will never leave you nor forsake you (that reminder came from Hebrews 11-13...mom suggested that for some new perspective :)

"For God so loved Krissy..."

That He gave His only Begotten Son.

That whoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life.

...That is the most important thing in life.

40 Days!

40 days stand between me and Graduation!

40 DAYS.

40 years of wilderness before the promised land... Israelites.

40 days on Mount Sinai with God...Moses.

40 days of tempting (no food or water)...Jesus.

God brings good things after 40s, doesn't He?

Whatever it is, it will be the perfect thing for me.

I wish you could meet you.

I struggle from insecurities. I wish I didn't but it's something I'm working on. My biggest insecurity results from my desire to woo and have people like me. I'll often stress over if I talked to much, if I said the right thing, was I too obnoxious? etc... I have to remind myself that if people didn't like me, they wouldn't hang around. That's why they're my friends.

I must drive my friends crazy with my love of the moment but constant doubting of myself afterward. I was skyping with a friend and she knows my insecurities. I was fooling around during our skype date and she looked at me and said "Krissy, I wish you could meet you." I had never heard that before or even thought about it.

I want my friends to view them the way I view them. We seem to always have this lens over our eyes causing doubt and essentially preventing us from becoming the people we are meant to be. If we could look through different eyes and see ourselves the way the people that loves us do....imagine the confidence. imagine what we could do?!

My friends are such blessings. It's interesting comparing friends and family (though both are often very intertwined for me!). You're born into a family that eventually becomes your friends. However, you get to choose friends and they, in turn, get to choose you! My friends encourage me to be who God made me to be. I'm so thankful for these reminders of God's love and purpose for my life.

I wish I could meet Jesus and see myself through His eyes. I wish I could put my Jesus glasses on and see the world the way he sees it.

I wish you could meet you and see how wonderful you are.

Maybe we should go introduce ourselves in the mirror and see just how awesome we really are.

It's all Greek to me

The summer before I started college I sat in a class where the teacher told me to cross off a word in my Bible because it was not necessary. I remember getting upset and wondering who this guy was to tell me to edit the Bible. I talked things through with some leaders at the camp and voiced my concern. With just two years of Greek, he became an expert on Biblical Greek? Right. I knew I was no expert but there were plenty of others who had done the work to bring us the Gospel.

Fast forward two weeks and I'm talking with my Adviser about classes. My seminar with her was on Ancient Warfare and the Iliad and, though we had had only one class, I knew I would love it. She suggested I take Ancient Greek. My thoughts went immediately back two weeks and I said yes. I figured that next time someone told me to cross off a word because they were acquainted with Greek, I would be able to challenge them.

The first year was simply understanding the language and vocabulary. Then we went into translating Euripides, Xenophon, Aristophanes, and Plato. I am by no means an expert, but I know so much more now than I did three and a half years ago.

Currently we are translating the book of Mark from the New Testament and I am just amazed at how God has worked it all out. I got to look into other writers and styles of Greek before I got to the purpose of my study; the Bible. It overwhelms me at times and I almost start crying because I am holding the text of everything I believe; in its original language. I show off my leather, golden edged Greek New Testament like I'm a child. Most of my friends get excited because they know it is one of my greatest passions, but I can't think of a whole lot else more important than the Book in my hand. I love it.

About a Boy

Saturday I watched "About a Boy". My friend told me it was a feel good movie and so, against my wishes of "Remember the Titans", we watched it. I struggle with saying I like any movies (apart from "Pride and Prejudice" and "The Emperor's New Groove") because I rarely like the entire thing. There is always something that deflects my affection. It's the usual things that, personally, I find really unnecessary. I struggle because I don't want to say I like a movie just to have someone watch it and question what I'm watching. I try to be very careful with what goes into my mind and I don't want to be the one to give a plug for a bad movie to get into someone else's mind. I guess I'm still struggling with what people think of me while not being a stumbling block. How do you juggle the two? I have to care a little bit about what people think of me because it can cause discouragement or encouragement (another post for another time).But I watched this movie and.... I kind of liked it.

The movie is about a guy who calls himself an island. He has no one to care for and no one cares for him. However, a boy enters the scene and changes all of it. He fights the change, but ohh it is so powerful when this happens:

Youtube: About a Boy

I almost cried and since then have been unable to keep "Killing Me Softly" off of repeat. The movie is so frustrating because the main character is so full of himself and has no purpose in life but to please himself. The change begins when he realizes that  his life is nothing.

I sat there and wondered about life without purpose. How could I continue each day? Why am I here and what am I doing? We all have this question to answer. What are we doing here? I'm so thankful God gave me that answer. My purpose here is to be Christ to the world by showing His love. That is why I am here.

"God woke you up this morning, take some time and ask Him why. Make today matter."

No Facebook?

My friend, Melissa, has been encouraging me to break an old habit and create a new habit this Lent season. I don't celebrate Lent but I am for interpersonal development. I have plenty of habits I wish to break and plenty of habits I wish I had. So...I did it. I gave up Facebook. I don't want to but I know I should. I found myself spending more time on their than I needed and I would be up till 2 doing homework I should have done earlier when I was wasting my time.

I have thought about it a lot and fought against it a lot because I really enjoy Facebook. I love pictures and stalking people and seeing how old friends are doing. I just love people and genuinely enjoy experiencing part of their lives, even if it is through a computer screen. I don't feel good about this decision in the fact that it is something I'm attached to. But it is time I got over myself and became more intentional with my time. Each minute I have here is a gift and I do not wish to waste it. I am not judging anyone who chooses to be on Facebook (I mean, I'll be back on March 31st) but this is something I need to do.

I have a lot of decisions to make in the next few months and I need to spend time praying and reading and seeking God's will. Hopefully this decision will allow me to be intentional with what I am doing. No more wasting time when I should be writing a paper (hopefully) or being on FB instead of job searching or praying for people.

This is what I need for this season and I hope you join me in praying for wisdom and guidance. I'm excited to see how God transforms my time this next month. I'm also looking forward to blogging more and being free from another form of media.

I posted my decision to be FB free on both Facebook and here so I have no choice but to be held accountable; let the fun begin!