I recently had my heart broken. I cannot describe to you the feelings I felt but they were deep and they were strong. I don't think I have ever wanted something so much, and had it not happen. The severest of disappointments was accompanied by anger, hurt, tears, and peace. In a matter of ten minutes a thousand thoughts and feelings rushed through my body.
It happened in an email and no, it was not a boy that broke my heart; it was my country. I sent in my Fulbright application at the end of September and anxiously awaited the results. I was assured by professors and friends that I was the perfect candidate to teach English in Macedonia. I prayed and prayed. Family and Friends prayed for me and God's direction with my life. I prayed that His will would be done but I also prayed that His will would be yes. I was convinced that I was going to Macedonia. While reading through Paul's letters, Macedonia seemed to pop out every time. Paul was always traveling there or talking about the "Macedonian Call". I would smile to myself, excited, knowing that I had heard the Macedonian Call.
It was 1:00 am on a Saturday when I had the brilliant idea to check my email. I had been at RA training all day and figured why not? Stupid idea. I read it once. I read it twice. I was relieved to have an answer (finally) but that relief quickly changed to disappointment as I called my parents to tell them the news. I cried till I felt that it wasn't necessary to wash my face before bed. My mom said God was closing a door. I said He slammed it in my face, locked it, threw a way the key and burnt the door. She told me I was being a little dramatic but I already knew that. I deal with everything by being overly dramatic; it makes reality seem less stressful.
Since the email that broke my heart I have had some deep writings to God. They praise Him, they question Him, they cry to Him, they sulk. I have a constant battle of fretting and trusting Him. I prayed that His will would be done. I meant that. But now I'm scared because I don't know what the future holds (but I know who holds the future...so cheesy). I'm scared. The Fulbright would have allowed me to delay the "real world" (whatever that even means) for another year! Bam. Travel, draw closer to God, meet new people, heed the Macedonian Call....what could be better?!
I was having an emotional dump on Emily, my dear friend in Michigan. I told her about other things going on and this decision that God made for me. She asked if she could pray for me and, of course, I obliged. Emily prayed, thanking God for answering my prayer. I felt shame come over me with that one phrase. She continued on but I just concentrated on her thanking God for answering my prayer. Did I thank God? I think I did....but it was really hard for me to be thankful because His answer was no! But He still answered.
I guess I just anticipated updating my Facebook status to "Macedonia 2014?! Why not?! Thank you, Lord!". That thought didn't happen when I was rejected. "No Macedonia 2014?! Why not?! Thank you, Lord!".....nope, can't say I posted that.
You see, God answered, but I didn't like it. I wish I had accepted it with poise and grace but I don't know if that would have been a human response. I don't know...maybe it would have been. It wouldn't have been a Krissy response. He knew I was going to be hurt but I like to think of it as a father with a surprise for his child. The child wants a cheap toy at the store but the father won't give it to the child because he has a motorized jeep is back home hiding in the garage for the boy. The analogy could use some work but you get my drift. I know that God knew this would hurt me but I can hear him whisper "Just wait....something better is coming along." I'm excited to look back in six months or a year and thank God for answering my prayer His way. (But I'm working on thanking Him now too for answering it).
There are many many verses about men making plans but God's way is always perfect. Psalm 18: 32 reads "It is God who arms me with strength, And makes my way perfect." He makes my way perfect....He makes my way perfect.
So I'm trusting Him. And fighting the urge to worry. His way is perfect. I gave my life to Him and I know He'll use it to His purpose. But I've never been so unsure of the future. Graduation comes May 19th...then what?!I thank Him for answering me, for blessing me with this heartbreak and bringing the healing.
I'm excited to see what's next.
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