Three Months

If everything goes according to plan, I will be handed my diploma in exactly three months. I'll wear my favorite dress and cover it with a gown that makes everyone look ridiculous. I'll pray over and over "Thank you, Lord! You brought me through."

I'm so excited for that day. I have never been in this spot before. I could go anywhere and do anything. I'm an adult and I will have a college degree. I don't have any dependents (except my goldfish and Khloe) so I can pack up and leave. It's so wonderful yet so scary.

It has been a busy time here at school so the blog has been lacking but I promise I'll return...I'm just trying to make sure I get that diploma in three months! woohooo

When God says No.

I recently had my heart broken. I cannot describe to you the feelings I felt but they were deep and they were strong. I don't think I have ever wanted something so much, and had it not happen. The severest of disappointments was accompanied by anger, hurt, tears, and peace. In a matter of ten minutes a thousand thoughts and feelings rushed through my body.

It happened in an email and no, it was not a boy that broke my heart; it was my country. I sent in my Fulbright application at the end of September and anxiously awaited the results. I was assured by professors and friends that I was the perfect candidate to teach English in Macedonia. I prayed and prayed. Family and Friends prayed for me and God's direction with my life. I prayed that His will would be done but I also prayed that His will would be yes. I was convinced that I was going to Macedonia. While reading through Paul's letters, Macedonia seemed to pop out every time. Paul was always traveling there or talking about the "Macedonian Call". I would smile to myself, excited, knowing that I had heard the Macedonian Call.

It was 1:00 am on a Saturday when I had the brilliant idea to check my email. I had been at RA training all day and figured why not? Stupid idea. I read it once. I read it twice. I was relieved to have an answer (finally) but that relief quickly changed to disappointment as I called my parents to tell them the news. I cried till I felt that it wasn't necessary to wash my face before bed. My mom said God was closing a door. I said He slammed it in my face, locked it, threw a way the key and burnt the door. She told me I was being a little dramatic but I already knew that. I deal with everything by being overly dramatic; it makes reality seem less stressful.

Since the email that broke my heart I have had some deep writings to God. They praise Him, they question Him, they cry to Him, they sulk. I have a constant battle of fretting and trusting Him. I prayed that His will would be done. I meant that. But now I'm scared because I don't know what the future holds (but I know who holds the future...so cheesy). I'm scared. The Fulbright would have allowed me to delay the "real world" (whatever that even means) for another year! Bam. Travel, draw closer to God, meet new people, heed the Macedonian Call....what could be better?!

I was having an emotional dump on Emily, my dear friend in Michigan. I told her about other things going on and this decision that God made for me. She asked if she could pray for me and, of course, I obliged. Emily prayed,  thanking God for answering my prayer. I felt shame come over me with that one phrase. She continued on but I just concentrated on her thanking God for answering my prayer. Did I thank God? I think I did....but it was really hard for me to be thankful because His answer was no! But He still answered.

I guess I just anticipated updating my Facebook status to "Macedonia 2014?! Why not?! Thank you, Lord!". That thought didn't happen when I was rejected. "No Macedonia 2014?! Why not?! Thank you, Lord!".....nope, can't say I posted that.

You see, God answered, but I didn't like it. I wish I had accepted it with poise and grace but I don't know if that would have been a human response. I don't know...maybe it would have been. It wouldn't have been a Krissy response. He knew I was going to be hurt but I like to think of it as a father with a surprise for his child. The child wants a cheap toy at the store but the father won't give it to the child because he has a motorized jeep is back home hiding in the garage for the boy. The analogy could use some work but you get my drift. I know that God knew this would hurt me but I can hear him whisper "Just wait....something better is coming along." I'm excited to look back in six months or a year and thank God for answering my prayer His way. (But I'm working on thanking Him now too for answering it).

There are many many verses about men making plans but God's way is always perfect. Psalm 18: 32 reads "It is God who arms me with strength, And makes my way perfect." He makes my way perfect....He makes my way perfect.

So I'm trusting Him. And fighting the urge to worry. His way is perfect. I gave my life to Him and I know He'll use it to His purpose. But I've never been so unsure of the future. Graduation comes May 19th...then what?!I thank Him for answering me, for blessing me with this heartbreak and bringing the healing.

I'm excited to see what's next.

The Last First Day

I have had two thoughts going through my head today as I had my last first day of undergraduate school.
1) Wooohoooo the day has finally come! Thank you, God!
2) Oh no. The day has finally come....how did this happen?! I'm not ready?! Can we stop time?!

The truth is I'm happy to be finishing up my time here and seeing God's next plan. But I'm sad because I only have four more months of living with these amazing people. Can I take them with me? I'm already getting sentimental and wishing that it would go slowly but I know it won't. I know May 19th will be here (Lord willing) sooner than I wish. I'll be crying and saying goodbye to a life I have been blessed to have since August 2009.

I find comfort in the thought that college was really scary for me. Just the thought made me cringe. It is a miracle from God that I got into a school because when I get stressed, I freeze. That really helps in the application process. I couldn't really tell anyone how I ended up at this institution but I am so thankful I did. And I'm thankful that my friends did too. This experience has shaped so much of me and I know that the next one will be very different but part of life. I don't know if my body can stand staying up all night anymore... it is probably looking forward to graduation.

But I'm sad. And worried. And happy. And everything. woah, welcome to Senior Spring Semester!

So, happy last first day. I trust and pray that God will bless the next four months and really allow me to give Him the glory and bless those around me. I am, after all, here for Him. This semester is Yours, God! Use me!

Boy Bands

I'll be the first person to admit my love for boy bands. The beautiful harmonies, cheesy messages and feel good rhythm have had me dancing like an idiot and yelling at the top of my lungs many times. Granted, I don't fall in love with every boy band and singer with cheesy lyrics. I am careful what I put into my head because I have learned that it dictates what I think about and how I act. Once a band has passed my tests I throw off the bowlines and let my love show. That is one of the many reasons my two-year-old friend in Michigan and I bonded; we loved One Direction and enjoyed the hours singing and dancing to their songs.

But I am disappointed. If I could, I would send a letter to a few favorite bands of mine. Since I do not have their personal addresses (working on it), this will do.

First Letter:

Dear Owl City (aka Adam Young):

What are you doing!? Why in the world are you touring with Maroon 5? One minute you're spouting heart felt prayers of following God and the next you're going on the road with a musician that doesn't seem to share the same morals.

I may seem judgy right now. I try not to judge cause there is only one Judge and He is perfect. But I can examine the fruits and point out that things are starting to change. I love Adam Young. His blog has always been an encouragement and he completely stole my heart when I met him. Maybe that is why I'm so hurt. Adam provided virtual evidence of Christian men completely giving their hearts and souls to Christ. I know they exist (I'm blessed with such people in my life) but it is nice to have a reminder.

So. Adam. Friend. Brother in Christ. Stop what you're doing and tour with Royal Tailor or TobyMac or Michael W. Smith (haha, what a combination!). You're breaking the hearts of many a Christian girl. Stay sweet! Stay faithful!

Yours in Christ,
Krissy

Second Letter:

Dear One Direction:

I loved every song on your last album. You filled the airwaves with messages of beauty and worth. I freely admitted my small addiction with this British boy band, knowing that no one could fault me. But what happened in this last album!?!?! "Let's get some and live while we are young".....WHAT?! First you tell the girl that she is beautiful, even though she doesn't think she is, and then you tell her you want to go all the way with her. Do you not realize that the majority of your listeners (save myself) are in their early teens and extremely impressionable? What are the messages you are telling these young girls?

I'm disappointed. Come on, boys. We loved you before, you didn't need to change.

I know I sound like I'm eighty years old but I'm serious. I'm in my early twenties so my teen years occurred not that long ago. I remember. And my heart breaks because now the messages I hear when I turn on the radio are about sex, sex and more sex. What about the relationship aspect? respecting each other? waiting? becoming friends?

Think about it. Hard.

This girl won't be buying your new CD, unfortunately.

Krissy

Reflections

I'm writing this from a cot in the middle of Illinois. It's like I'm in Little House on the Prairie. I can't even see the closest house and our "walk" yesterday consisted of going to the mailbox because it was so cold. But I'm enjoying being with my parents, grandma,Stephanie and Johnny. They couldn't come to NY for Christmas so we came to them. The people here are friendly and the food is delicious. Can't ask for a whole lot else, can we?

We visited a lot of Johnny's family after church. I feel like I know the family tree but all the branches are laying on the ground; I can't put it all together! His Grandma had this beautiful saying hanging in her kitchen:

"We give you thanks Lord 

for the food before us,

the friends beside us, 

the love between us,

and Your presence among us."

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve! 2012 will officially be done! It's crazy. So crazy. I was looking back on 2012, doing a little bit of introspection and, to be quite honest, my first thought was "I'm glad that's over". I had to put a quick check on my natural pessimism. The only real bad thing about 2012 was the time I spent in doctor's office. Between losing my vision in the spring and having my body hate me all fall, I have spent more than enough time in medical institutions. So yes, I'm glad 2012 is over. But if that was my worst? Boy, I have it good! 

I'm going to miss 2012. I've met some AMAZING people and done so many awesome things. God has shown himself more than faithful this last year.

Here are some highlights and things I have learned in 2012:

• I love weddings. I love being in them. I love (almost) everything about them. Amy, Lauren and Stephanie all made sure I got my wedding fix for the year (yay for more in 2013!)
• Michigan: God worked out everything for my time there. Friends and a family there... I could go on for days but I'll refrain.
• I got to fly a plane!
• Getting more involved with Women At Risk, International and Human Trafficking
• Being a Senior and more importantly, being treated like a Senior.
• English Country Dancing every Friday was such a wonderful experience (thank you, Kazia!)
• Realizing that there are more people who are just as much dorks as I am :)
• I made some fantastic friends that encourage me to be better, mostly just by their actions
• I drew closer to those already in my life and I'm so thankful for that
• Learning to trust God with my future (He is still working on me)
• That Everything works out for His glory
• Treasure my moments. All of them. Especially with people I love.
• To take more chances (What is the worst that can happen?)

This is by no means an exhaustive list but I'm feeling sentimental and cheesy and just so thankful for this past year of life. I feel like I could just go through every person in my life and explain how happy I am that they are in it but alas, that is not practical (and it would take far too long).

2012 was a good year. I'm thankful that I was here to be a part of it. Here's to another year of our Lord!

Want to get dinner?

My brain has been constantly spinning since Thanksgiving break. It was a mental marathon where papers, tests and good byes happened in a flash. It was during the chaos (which every college student experiences) that I came to the realization of my love for food.

Let me clarify: I enjoy food but I love the people that accompany the food. My college meal plan allows me to eat one meal a day in my school's dining areas. I try to ration the meals and plan ahead for the week, knowing who I'll get to spend the one meal with. I have also gotten quite good at finding the free meals on campus. This way I won't be a poor, starving college student, I'll just be poor :)

I realized that I am closest with the people I eat with. I have friends that we each promise to "get a meal" together but it has yet to happen. A meal shows a connection; a time together outside of the usual place of socialization. I have my closest friends because we sought each other out and ate together.

In Michigan I became closest with my friend, Emily, after we ate lunch together repeatedly. We were able to talk outside of the office about our lives and everything therein. It was in between the chewing and sipping that we became the dearest of friends.

Of course, it is very difficult for me to eat with other people because I just want to talk with them. Meals always take at least an hour. Two years ago, the leaders of the Christian Fellowship group would eat dinner together before every Fellowship meeting. The other leaders soon became close friends: close enough that they would just tell me to stop talking so we could finish our dinner. I would be on my salad and the others would be on their second plate. I looked forward to every meal, though, because I would see them. The food was less than desirable, but the experience was so much better because of the people I shared it with.

This kind of seems like a monologue about my love of eating with friends but I have found it to be true. My family always ate together when we lived in the same house and, among many other things, it really drew us together. I know that we're true friends when we have eaten together more than twice. That shows that the conversation and length of dinner were both pleasant to all involved parties.

Jesus understood the importance of food. I mean, he did perform some hefty miracles surrounding it! He seemed to always be eating or visiting a party, He knew how to draw close bonds (Isn't he like the Maker of close bonds?) I would love to have dinner with Him. That would be the BEST dinner date. Though I doubt I would ever touch my food, having so much to ask.

So, for me Friends=Dinner Together.

Want to grab some food?

12/12/12

Isn't this date awesome?!

December 12th, 2012

12/12/12

Whether European or American, everyone will know what date it is!! There will be no confusion.

12/12/12

wooohoooo

just one more time

12.12.12

The twelfth day of the twelfth month in the two thousand twelfth year of our Lord

YES.

(I have fried my brain and its energy can only be used for Ancient Greek, Ancient Literature and saving Kenya. So much to do in the next day!!)