At the end of every paper that caused me to pull an all nighter, at the end of every test that I wished I had studied more for, and at the end of every assignment that I refused to do until the very last minute, I have made a promise to myself. Never again. I REFUSE to stay up all night doing another paper ever again. I will use my time wisely, plan ahead and be prepared.
Lies.
Lying is something I have never really struggled with because I'm very transparent. I either love something or hate something, I either want to or I don't, I am either telling the truth or lying. I couldn't lie without it showing in every fiber of my being and searing my conscience. I can picture it now; the unusual amounts of uhs, the avoidance of eye contact, the scratching of the head and the reddening of the face. I just can't do it (and it is not right to do either). But, I have lied to myself many times in the promise of "never pulling an academic all-nighter" (all-nighters are welcomed, especially with the bestest kinds of friends). I must be a liar. I just do it every. single. time. Do you feel my frustration!? First all nighter I ever pulled was in my senior year of high school. I must have liked it because I haven't stopped since! What was it, a drug? Try it once and you are hooked. I also do this really obnoxious thing of stressing out and then not doing the work because I was too busy stressing out to do the work (does that even make sense?). I would call my parents, cry to them about how I had this paper to write and I hadn't started it because I was too busy, etc. My parents, at this point, just roll their eyes and tell me I'll be fine.
You know what? They are right.
I don't know why things seem to work out, even when I screw everything up with my "genius" ideas. I seriously believe that God has around ten angels keeping watch on me. Seriously, how many times have I almost gotten hit by a car or wasn't paying attention and almost severely hurt myself? How many times am I worried about something and it is already worked out (or eventually works for the better)?
Over the summer I was able to spend a lot of quality time with my friends; dirt and mulch. We became very close. Oh yes, and the sun hung out with us occasionally; leaving my lower back bright red when I hadn't realized that my precious skin (which had never seen the sun before) was exposed upon kneeling down. My brothers affectionately called it my cranberry muffin top. We became so close because I ran my own landscaping/dog watching/house cleaning/whatever you need done business. My dad was my manager (because he is the best dad any girl could ask for) and my twin brother was my employee. I was the boss of the business, my dad was the manager and Josiah was the reluctant helper. I enjoyed it when two of my favorite men accompanied me to work, but some days I was by myself. It was those days that I would spend the day working, talking to God, listening to music and thinking about life. I think God used those summer days to draw me closer to Him. I would worry about something, give it to Him and then I was filled with a trust that I really couldn't describe to you. You want to know what I love?
That, despite my failures, God loves me. He LOVES me! Who am I that he should even think of me and yet, he loves me. I have this peace knowing that whatever happens; either good or bad, big or small, He knew it was going to happen in advance and already had it taken care of. I love it.
I'm not perfect. I'm actually quite far from it. I still worry, I still doubt as to the reason why things happen. But God uses everything to show me who He really is.
I can barely get work done when I am back in the states because I enjoy being with people for more than almost anything else. Last year,this time in the semester, I had a ten page midterm paper due for one of my classes. What did I do instead? I went to a Bible study with one of my friends. I enjoyed it then asked the group of above forty year olds to pray for me because I had a long night ahead of me. They sent me off with their prayers and homemade cookies and back to campus we went. I accepted my fate, asked my friend if he would pray for me and away I went to spend a night with International Law. I finished it, even slept a bit and received a good grade. See, God works things out for me.
Fast forward to 2011 in Brussels. Nothing has changed! I really think I missed something when I signed up for study abroad. Have I studied? My french, yes. Anything else? No. Too busy enjoying this wonderful dream of being abroad. Something called midterms rudely awoke me from my dream when I realized that I was going to be tested and I actually needed to know what I was talking about. This isn't a good excuse but I have been sick for the last two weeks so my already low motivation has decreased even more. Last night as Kristen, Julia and I studied for our Art History, I just laid down on the floor in pain thinking to myself "I really should have paid attention during the presentations on all of our trips." The studying continued despite my lamenting and today was the big day of two midterms.
It is a growing experience not having a phone here. Whereas I would have called my mom and dad crying about how I was going to fail, no phone=no calling home freaking out. I did talk to my mom on skype a couple of days ago and she prayed with me, but yesterday I made no calls home freaking out. I know I'm twenty one and, on the outside, appear to be very well composed but deep down inside I am still that youngest child that is trying to become a woman after God's own heart. My parents have helped me so much in becoming who I am today (please meet my parents if you haven't yet) and today showed me that I could survive (without a call home) and rely on the one who knows the number of the hairs on my head.
Jesus knows me this I love.
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