The amount of sleep that I have gotten in the last couple of days is quite embarrassing. My roommate woke me up this morning because I fell asleep on the couch for a couple of hours....and I had a final to get to! I'm functioning and will continue to function on just a few hours of sleep. But it is totally worth it. Finals are done, good byes are being said (unfortunately), places visited, food eaten, pictures taken, dances made (love the roommates). Ahh, life is good. God is good. I'm so thankful for everything I have experienced here, for the people that have made this place home and for all the blessings that continue to pour into my life even though I am far from deserving them.
I will miss this place. The memories I have made here will be forever in my heart.
I love you Belgium, but I am so excited to see my beloved America.
I've missed you America. So much. You are a beautiful country. You are home.
I can't wait to see the beloved faces I have missed these last four months. Tears will come and the smile will never come off of my face (oh jet lag will fix that!).
I would love to continue on but things must be packed!
I will reflect when my brain is again capable of thinking.
One thing I know is that God has done such marvelous things this semester and I love Him. He made all of this possible and I'll forever be grateful.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
The First Good bye
I could never be the poster child for "Study Abroad". If they were to put the summation of my experiences here onto a poster it would consist of this: Krissy laughing at a table, surrounded by big smiles and warm hearts. The happiness would be tangible as you looked into her eyes and saw what she felt; pure joy at blessings beyond belief. The dear friends surrounding her would be from London, the States, Canada, the Netherlands, all over the states and Africa. Can't you visualize this picture? Doesn't it seem heavenly?
But then, split the poster in half and the other side would consist of this: Krissy, alone. The clock behind her reads 3:00 (remember military time requires no am or pm...and last night at midnight the clock showed 0:00. I had to do a double take), the hair piled up into a messy bun, dark bags under the eyes, and her face lit up with the strange glow of the laptop sitting in front of her. You would look into her eyes and see a resignation, a knowing. "Yes, I did this to myself and.... it was totally worth it."
That is exactly what it would look like.
People have been and always will be the most important thing to me (apart from my Jesus). I do use discretion, I assure you, but I know I'll look back ten years from now and remember the fun times I had with my friends and family, not the all-nighter that was caused by that decision. I'll recover. I'll sleep. Sometime. I find my rest in Jesus, what else do I need?!
I write this as "study" for the three finals I have in the next four days. I can't study in Europe. It has done something to me. This is going to be the death of me....all well. Life goes on. One step at a time. I was skyping with my family today and, of course, was being dramatic about the impending doom. They responded with the wise words "No one can eat an elephant in one bite". What does that even mean!? That led to a discussion as to who eats an elephant. The response (from my dad) was that they didn't want to waste the road kill in Africa. Another question: who hits an elephant to have road kill? Five minutes later after much discussion on both parts, I agreed that I, indeed, did understand what four members of my family were trying to convey to me. One step at a time. No one can take all the problems all at once, rather....bit by bit. (or rather bite by bite haha) So, with lots of prayer and hopefully studying, I'll get through this :)
I said good bye to my host mom tonight. She is going to California to be with her family for the holidays (plus her new job). The rest of the family will follow soon. It was sad. I love her. I love our drives to choir, her winks across the room as we sing Christmas carols under the strict conductor who thinks we are going to be on the Sing Off or something (believe me, most of the choir is in their 70s), the visits near the fire place, the yoga, the gentle touches of a "mother" and her smile that fills up her entire face. She has been a big part of my life here and I'm not looking forward to saying good bye to the other people who have made this experience truly wonderful.
But, as I was reminded a couple weeks ago, it is good to be sad when you leave a place. It shows that you have something there to be sad about. That is a good way of looking at things. I'm so thankful that I have people to miss when I leave and true reasons behind the tears that will flow as I board the plane (this is funny, it's like a full circle: cried when I came, cry when I leave. I knew this would happen).
Basically, I will finish off this week exhausted and sad. But then extremely happy when it dawns on me that I will see my amazing family and friends so so so very very soon! Four months is quite long for a home girl like me but God has been good, He has used this time to draw me close and teach me so many things about Himself.
I must bid you good night, it is not quite two in the morning and dates, terms, EU missions, pieces of artwork and french grammar must be learned!
Je t'aime :) Yes, yes I do!
But then, split the poster in half and the other side would consist of this: Krissy, alone. The clock behind her reads 3:00 (remember military time requires no am or pm...and last night at midnight the clock showed 0:00. I had to do a double take), the hair piled up into a messy bun, dark bags under the eyes, and her face lit up with the strange glow of the laptop sitting in front of her. You would look into her eyes and see a resignation, a knowing. "Yes, I did this to myself and.... it was totally worth it."
That is exactly what it would look like.
I know this is going to kick me in the butt at some point....but....I'm willing to take that risk! This is what goes through my mind: "I have two options: study for the final or visit the dear friends I'll be leaving when I depart from this country." Short term for option one: do well on final, don't see friends. Long term for option one: Get a good career based off of this one test. All future employers will look back and say "We want her, she excelled at Art History while studying in Brussels. We need her. Have no true friends abroad. Short term for option two: do not do quite as well on final as I would like to, see friends. Be encouraged and refreshed. Eat good food (always a plus). Long term for option two: Never get a job because I failed Art History my Junior year of college. Fail. (going to the extreme here). Have long lasting friendships all over the world and have sweet memories of my last days in the experience that changed my life. Add more reasons as to why I am looking forward to Heaven because then I'll finally be with everyone I love, regardless of where they lived on earth.
The deliberation usually takes ten seconds. And I only think about it that long so I feel less guilty about my decision because I have "thought" about it.
People have been and always will be the most important thing to me (apart from my Jesus). I do use discretion, I assure you, but I know I'll look back ten years from now and remember the fun times I had with my friends and family, not the all-nighter that was caused by that decision. I'll recover. I'll sleep. Sometime. I find my rest in Jesus, what else do I need?!
I write this as "study" for the three finals I have in the next four days. I can't study in Europe. It has done something to me. This is going to be the death of me....all well. Life goes on. One step at a time. I was skyping with my family today and, of course, was being dramatic about the impending doom. They responded with the wise words "No one can eat an elephant in one bite". What does that even mean!? That led to a discussion as to who eats an elephant. The response (from my dad) was that they didn't want to waste the road kill in Africa. Another question: who hits an elephant to have road kill? Five minutes later after much discussion on both parts, I agreed that I, indeed, did understand what four members of my family were trying to convey to me. One step at a time. No one can take all the problems all at once, rather....bit by bit. (or rather bite by bite haha) So, with lots of prayer and hopefully studying, I'll get through this :)
I said good bye to my host mom tonight. She is going to California to be with her family for the holidays (plus her new job). The rest of the family will follow soon. It was sad. I love her. I love our drives to choir, her winks across the room as we sing Christmas carols under the strict conductor who thinks we are going to be on the Sing Off or something (believe me, most of the choir is in their 70s), the visits near the fire place, the yoga, the gentle touches of a "mother" and her smile that fills up her entire face. She has been a big part of my life here and I'm not looking forward to saying good bye to the other people who have made this experience truly wonderful.
But, as I was reminded a couple weeks ago, it is good to be sad when you leave a place. It shows that you have something there to be sad about. That is a good way of looking at things. I'm so thankful that I have people to miss when I leave and true reasons behind the tears that will flow as I board the plane (this is funny, it's like a full circle: cried when I came, cry when I leave. I knew this would happen).
Basically, I will finish off this week exhausted and sad. But then extremely happy when it dawns on me that I will see my amazing family and friends so so so very very soon! Four months is quite long for a home girl like me but God has been good, He has used this time to draw me close and teach me so many things about Himself.
I must bid you good night, it is not quite two in the morning and dates, terms, EU missions, pieces of artwork and french grammar must be learned!
Je t'aime :) Yes, yes I do!
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
How many sleeps?
I have eleven sleeps until I leave this wonderful little country back to the place I call home.
I started off my adventure here counting down the days until I left. 119....118....117.... but slowly the numbers became insignificant as my experiences outweighed the idea of being "stuck across the ocean" from everything I knew and loved.
Now, with the time of departure quickly approaching I find myself wanting to pause time and make it go slower. Because once I leave here, I don't have a clue when I will be back. Never before have I had to permanently say goodbye to a place. I have lived in the same house since I was one and my university is only an hour and a half from my house. I always return. Now, I will be saying good bye to people that I might never see again. My host family is moving to the States so when I walk through the doors of this house I have spent the last four months in, I will never come back. It is strange to think about. I don't really like it.
I guess this is just a part of life that I have been blissfully unaware of until now. It is natural and healthy for this to occur, but that doesn't mean that it is easy. I have papers and finals but I find myself shirking them to spend my last precious moments with the people I am leaving here. I have a paper due tomorrow but I probably won't start it till midnight tonight because I'm going to watch Pride and Prejudice with two of my Christian friends, Shanae and Lia. Priorities people, know where your priorities are :) This was the only night that would work and I haven't had any other time to do it so, I'll just sleep later.
I might not sleep until I get back to New York and even then....sleep probably won't happen.
I'm also trying to check things off my list before I leave here. Today, Kristen and I finally tried the speculoos cereal we have been eyeing for three months. We just had to do it. We were not disappointed. There is so much to do, so much to see, so much food to have my "last" taste of. oh, and so many good byes :(
I'm going to be so bipolar this next week and a half. I'll be like "I'm so excited to go home!!!" and do a little dance but then I'll start tearing up and say "But I don't want to go!!" You see, I'm so excited to go home. It has been far too long. But I'm also sad to move from my home here because I have such wonderful people here in my life. I'll miss my host family, my roommates, and my Christian family.
Things will be different back home when I arrive. I will be different (in a good way). I'll have a new sister (the wedding happened two days before I left so I'm still not used to having another sister), my brother has a girlfriend (not used to that), my sister is in Mexico and my other sister has her own apartment. People didn't put their lives on hold when I left. They have had adventures, introspection, trials, and blessings. I don't know how people have changed since I left. And they don't know how I have changed. This is going to be interesting.... people might also have to adjust having Krissy back in their lives....always talking, always singing and always being....Krissy :)
I started off my adventure here counting down the days until I left. 119....118....117.... but slowly the numbers became insignificant as my experiences outweighed the idea of being "stuck across the ocean" from everything I knew and loved.
Now, with the time of departure quickly approaching I find myself wanting to pause time and make it go slower. Because once I leave here, I don't have a clue when I will be back. Never before have I had to permanently say goodbye to a place. I have lived in the same house since I was one and my university is only an hour and a half from my house. I always return. Now, I will be saying good bye to people that I might never see again. My host family is moving to the States so when I walk through the doors of this house I have spent the last four months in, I will never come back. It is strange to think about. I don't really like it.
I guess this is just a part of life that I have been blissfully unaware of until now. It is natural and healthy for this to occur, but that doesn't mean that it is easy. I have papers and finals but I find myself shirking them to spend my last precious moments with the people I am leaving here. I have a paper due tomorrow but I probably won't start it till midnight tonight because I'm going to watch Pride and Prejudice with two of my Christian friends, Shanae and Lia. Priorities people, know where your priorities are :) This was the only night that would work and I haven't had any other time to do it so, I'll just sleep later.
I might not sleep until I get back to New York and even then....sleep probably won't happen.
I'm also trying to check things off my list before I leave here. Today, Kristen and I finally tried the speculoos cereal we have been eyeing for three months. We just had to do it. We were not disappointed. There is so much to do, so much to see, so much food to have my "last" taste of. oh, and so many good byes :(
I'm going to be so bipolar this next week and a half. I'll be like "I'm so excited to go home!!!" and do a little dance but then I'll start tearing up and say "But I don't want to go!!" You see, I'm so excited to go home. It has been far too long. But I'm also sad to move from my home here because I have such wonderful people here in my life. I'll miss my host family, my roommates, and my Christian family.
Things will be different back home when I arrive. I will be different (in a good way). I'll have a new sister (the wedding happened two days before I left so I'm still not used to having another sister), my brother has a girlfriend (not used to that), my sister is in Mexico and my other sister has her own apartment. People didn't put their lives on hold when I left. They have had adventures, introspection, trials, and blessings. I don't know how people have changed since I left. And they don't know how I have changed. This is going to be interesting.... people might also have to adjust having Krissy back in their lives....always talking, always singing and always being....Krissy :)
I'm so excited to be spending Christmas with this lovely bunch (plus one more now!) and having more ugly sweaters. I can't wait for this.
I'm so excited to tell anyone who will listen about how good God has been to me. I'm so excited to share how He has changed my life. I can't wait to lay in bed with my closest friends and talk all night about God, experiences, lessons learned, boys, music, future trips to Africa, missions, God's Will, food, prayer and life. I can't wait for the hugs, the kisses, the jokes, the warm smiles and the hand holding while secret telling. I'm looking forward to the warmth of the wood stove during the family Christmas party, the smell of NY in the wintertime, wearing my dad's coat, shopping with my mom and sisters, napping and telling everything with my sisters, drives with my Grandma, worship in the church I was raised, dancing obnoxiously, hot tang, visits from dear friends, long drives, homemade food, walks with the dogs, oh the list could go on forever.... I'm so blessed to have so much to look forward to. I treasure every relationship I have back home. Each one is different and special in its own way. Oh if I could tell you how good God has been to me....we could talk for hours.
Oh and I can't wait to make more of these with my best friends. We know how to have fun :)
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
When I finally make it Home
Finally Home
I'm gonna wrap my arms around my Daddy's neck
And tell him that I've missed him.
And tell him all about the man that I became
And hope that it pleased Him
There's so much I want to say
There's so much I want you to know
When I finally make it home
When I finally make it home
Then I'll gaze upon the throne of the King
Frozen in my steps
And all the questions that I swore I would ask
Words just wont come yet
So amazed at what I've seen
So much more that this old mind can hold
When I finally make it home
When I finally make it home
And the sweetest sound my ears have yet to hear
Voice of the angels
This is one of my favorite songs. I listened to it a lot when I was traveling through Germany and Poland last year; comforted by the calm, still words. When I am away from home, the song serves a dual purpose by expressing my desire for both homes :) This song soothes my heart. It reminds me of how remarkable Heaven will be. Everything I'll want to say will simply slip away and I'll just stand there; completely breathless. Finally Home.
"Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart fail; But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Psalm 37:25-26
Sunday, November 27, 2011
A little bit of Pride and Prejudice
"The more I know of the world, the more I am convinced that I shall never see a man whom I can really love, I require so much!"
Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility
ahh, the words of Jane Austen. Read by thousands throughout the years, putting into word the thoughts many of us have but can only dream of expressing coherently. I love Jane Austen. I'm glad that I discovered her later on in my teen years when I had more of a head on my shoulder, or else I would have been a hopeless romantic...driving everyone around me crazy. I discovered her right at a time when her stories started to become applicable to my life. She describes so vividly what people experience (especially when it comes to disappointed hopes) and it is by reading her books, among many other things, that I realize I am not alone in my thoughts.
I was in the living room of a couple I have grown close to these last couple of months in Belgium. Randomly, the guy turned to me and began to ask me questions about relationships, dates, crushes and kisses. After replying to him mostly in the negative, he looked at me and said he couldn't believe it. I laughed as he stated that I was pretty so he couldn't understand the lack of relationships in my life.
Looking back at the conversation, I smile. Sometimes I go through the same thoughts he expressed (not that I say to myself "Wait, you're pretty, I don't understand"). You see, I have deducted that it is because I have the best men in my life. I've talked about it before, but I can't get over it. I have a dad who, on numerous occasions, had his shirt soaked by his sobbing daughter. When I didn't make the travel basketball team freshman year I remember riding the car in silence until I made it home. As soon as I walked into the door my dad asked "How did it go?" My lip puckered and then.....tears. I have cried to my brothers too. I promise that I'm not emotional, just open. I believe that holding in feelings is not healthy (discretion is important though too) so when I have a "disagreement", discussion quickly follows. Tears usually ensue. Apologies are made. A hug then erases the hurt that was previously so prevalent. I think I have taught my brothers how to deal with women quite well :) The men in my life care, call, and show their love in their own unique ways. Last week I was asking my cousin what he wanted from Belgium (souvenir shopping!) and he replied "Just you." oh shucks. We also have a "date" planned for when I return, just because. Yes, I am surrounded by the best. When I am treated like that, why wouldn't I expect that in someone I would spend the rest of my life with? Makes sense, doesn't it?
I was recently sitting with one of my christian friends, talking to her about relationships. She told me that some of her friends told her that she was "limiting her choices" but choosing to date only Christians. Yes, she is. But why not?! If something is so important to you that you would center your entire being around it, why wouldn't you want to be with someone who felt exactly the same?
The temptation to settle is there. In some areas (like the North East of the US), young, Christian, eligible men are few and far between. Then there is the fact that just because someone is a Christian does not automatically mean that you are meant to be with them. I have had guy friends that people assume I must like, because they are Christian and single. But there is so much more to that. I would want a guy with the personality that would compliment mine, a heart that hurts for the world and a faith that would encourage and edify me as we traveled life's journey together.
It is easy to get to discouraged, but singleness also has so many advantages. Being here in a foreign country with no one by my side has allowed me to experience my Savior in a way I couldn't describe. He has used my lonely times (being away from everything familiar tends to do that to you) to draw me into Him. He has taught me to trust Him. He has taught me to let Him be my everything. When I don't start my day off with Him...something feels off. He is all I need. Everything else is just a part of the wonderful life I have with Him.
Last week I randomly stumbled across this blog post from over a year ago. In it the author writes:
"She is out there. My Cinderella. She is real. She exists. I pray for her constantly. May God satisfy the desires of her heart, draw her close, consume her. May He claim her passions, her identity, her refuge, her hopes, her strengths and weaknesses, every fiber of her being. May she treasure and cherish her Savior more than anything of this world and cling to His will with every ounce of her stamina. By all that she is, does, and strives to be, may He draw near to her and she to Him."
I stared at the computer screen, shocked. This guy couldn't be real. But he is, I have met him! That a guy would publicly come out and say this amazes me. Oh it gave me hope! There are men out there praying for their future wives. Praying for them to be complete in God. Praying :) Oh God has a pleasant way of reminding me He has everything under control.
I like to stop and think that the person God has for me is out there, right now, living his life. He is having his struggles, he is making memories (that he will later share with me!), he is growing in Christ, he is wondering when I will come alone and he is praying for me as I pray for him. Oh it makes me happy.
I'm sitting on my bed in my attic room in this small and slightly strange country; Belgium. I'm content. I'm happy. I can just picture myself looking over to Jesus sitting next to me and saying "So, what's next?" My mind and heart are completely open. I have no idea what my future holds but I know that He holds it closely to His heart.
Have you ever looked up how many times the word "wait" appears in the Bible? It is there quite a lot. I imagine there is reason enough for that :)
"Wait, on the Lord; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!"
Psalms 27:14
I'll wait :)
"I must learn to be content with being happier than I deserve."
Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
If home is where the heart is...
Happy Thanksgiving :)
I hope that each day we can all be thankful for something, be with those we love, take a moment to realize all of our blessings and....eat some freshly baked apple pie!
I remember last year as I was helping get things cooked for Thanksgiving dinner I turned to my mom and said "You know, next year I won't be here for Thanksgiving." [insert sinking feeling].
I love Thanksgiving. I love having three days off just to hang out with people and eat. I don't have to worry about getting presents or being prepared. I just have to be able to talk and eat. Two things I happen to do very well. I enjoy eating a delightful meal with my family and then heading up to my Aunt and Uncle's for desserts. Their house has a wood stove that is constantly running; ensuring everyone in the house to be nice and cozy. The last couple of years I have gone Black Friday shopping with my cousin Josh. I don't think I've bought anything, I just go to spend the wee hours of the morning with him. I love him. He lives around six hours away from my home back in the states but every time he comes to visit, I try to spend as much time with him as possible. He calls me at school on a regular basis, just to check up on me and listen to me. He is a good listener. In the spring I was in my dorm room and he called me. He asked "What are you doing?" I said "I'm in my room." He told me to look out my window. I ran, excited, to the window. "I'm not there." Oh I was so mad at him. This is what I have to deal with, such a chore :)
Some of my favorite things in life are: letters in the mail, time with good people and Jesus. Individually or combined, they make me very happy :)
This year I thought I would be fine because who else gets to have Thanksgiving in Belgium? But...guess what, my immediate family is not in Belgium. I had to work on a project and take a French test that day, welcome to Thanksgiving in a foreign country. The test didn't go as well as it could have (studying has become very difficult here, especially when you are traveling all over!) and I had the task of making a Thanksgiving vegetable dish. I normally don't get upset, but I did. I wanted to be home. I didn't want to take a test and worry about school work. I ended up (thankfully) skyping with my mom. Within a minute of the video being turned on I had tears flowing down my cheeks. Though I love being here and experiencing new things every day, the novelty of being abroad really wore off on Thursday. I was talking to one of my friends and she was like "Krissy, I'm glad you're having new experiences and meeting new people but I just want you to come home." I couldn't have agreed more. Being home sick is normal while abroad (thankfully I haven't had it too much!) but I feel like it is especially difficult around the holidays.
I cried because I'm sick of doing work (you might ask what work, but I assure you...I do work...sometimes), I miss my family and friends at home and I don't know how to make green bean casserole. *sniff* My life is so terrible. Not. In all honesty, I do miss home. I am blessed with the best people on earth. My family, my friends, the people who have taken me under their wings to help me get to my dreams, they are the best. It is understandable that I should miss them :) I talked with my mom, had a good cry (which really always helps...I'm not one for dwelling on things) and then received the encouragement I needed to make that green bean casserole!
I mixed some things together like the recipe said, added some other things just for fun (get it from my dad) and then went out into the cold, bundled and carrying a casserole. I felt like everyone on the metro stared at me. They must have been jealous they weren't having Thanksgiving. I rode with two of my friends on the train to Antwerp (one was so hungry, he needed to eat the casserole a little bit early) and arrived with the casserole in tact! I then crumbled sour cream and onion pringles onto the top of it to substitute for french onions (they don't know what they are here so that was my mom's suggestion!). It was a success. The evening was wonderful, the food, delicious, and my casserole made the cut. I can't tell you how happy I was.
Three weeks from this moment I will be sitting at home! It is so crazy to think about. Time has flown by here. I'm also struggling with the fact that I will be missing people from here when I go home. But I'm missing people from home while I am here. It is a vicious cycle that I do. not. like. My friend Rey (he is from Africa, he and his wife Lia have been very good to me here) told me that that is what happens when you travel; you can't stop traveling and your heart is spread around the world. I guess that is one of the things I will have to deal with :)
Here is a list of things I am thankful for here in Belgium:
I hope that each day we can all be thankful for something, be with those we love, take a moment to realize all of our blessings and....eat some freshly baked apple pie!
I remember last year as I was helping get things cooked for Thanksgiving dinner I turned to my mom and said "You know, next year I won't be here for Thanksgiving." [insert sinking feeling].
I love Thanksgiving. I love having three days off just to hang out with people and eat. I don't have to worry about getting presents or being prepared. I just have to be able to talk and eat. Two things I happen to do very well. I enjoy eating a delightful meal with my family and then heading up to my Aunt and Uncle's for desserts. Their house has a wood stove that is constantly running; ensuring everyone in the house to be nice and cozy. The last couple of years I have gone Black Friday shopping with my cousin Josh. I don't think I've bought anything, I just go to spend the wee hours of the morning with him. I love him. He lives around six hours away from my home back in the states but every time he comes to visit, I try to spend as much time with him as possible. He calls me at school on a regular basis, just to check up on me and listen to me. He is a good listener. In the spring I was in my dorm room and he called me. He asked "What are you doing?" I said "I'm in my room." He told me to look out my window. I ran, excited, to the window. "I'm not there." Oh I was so mad at him. This is what I have to deal with, such a chore :)
Some of my favorite things in life are: letters in the mail, time with good people and Jesus. Individually or combined, they make me very happy :)
This year I thought I would be fine because who else gets to have Thanksgiving in Belgium? But...guess what, my immediate family is not in Belgium. I had to work on a project and take a French test that day, welcome to Thanksgiving in a foreign country. The test didn't go as well as it could have (studying has become very difficult here, especially when you are traveling all over!) and I had the task of making a Thanksgiving vegetable dish. I normally don't get upset, but I did. I wanted to be home. I didn't want to take a test and worry about school work. I ended up (thankfully) skyping with my mom. Within a minute of the video being turned on I had tears flowing down my cheeks. Though I love being here and experiencing new things every day, the novelty of being abroad really wore off on Thursday. I was talking to one of my friends and she was like "Krissy, I'm glad you're having new experiences and meeting new people but I just want you to come home." I couldn't have agreed more. Being home sick is normal while abroad (thankfully I haven't had it too much!) but I feel like it is especially difficult around the holidays.
I cried because I'm sick of doing work (you might ask what work, but I assure you...I do work...sometimes), I miss my family and friends at home and I don't know how to make green bean casserole. *sniff* My life is so terrible. Not. In all honesty, I do miss home. I am blessed with the best people on earth. My family, my friends, the people who have taken me under their wings to help me get to my dreams, they are the best. It is understandable that I should miss them :) I talked with my mom, had a good cry (which really always helps...I'm not one for dwelling on things) and then received the encouragement I needed to make that green bean casserole!
I mixed some things together like the recipe said, added some other things just for fun (get it from my dad) and then went out into the cold, bundled and carrying a casserole. I felt like everyone on the metro stared at me. They must have been jealous they weren't having Thanksgiving. I rode with two of my friends on the train to Antwerp (one was so hungry, he needed to eat the casserole a little bit early) and arrived with the casserole in tact! I then crumbled sour cream and onion pringles onto the top of it to substitute for french onions (they don't know what they are here so that was my mom's suggestion!). It was a success. The evening was wonderful, the food, delicious, and my casserole made the cut. I can't tell you how happy I was.
Three weeks from this moment I will be sitting at home! It is so crazy to think about. Time has flown by here. I'm also struggling with the fact that I will be missing people from here when I go home. But I'm missing people from home while I am here. It is a vicious cycle that I do. not. like. My friend Rey (he is from Africa, he and his wife Lia have been very good to me here) told me that that is what happens when you travel; you can't stop traveling and your heart is spread around the world. I guess that is one of the things I will have to deal with :)
Here is a list of things I am thankful for here in Belgium:
My friend Kristen: who willingly skips work to go with me to a VW Beetle exhibition, among so many other things she does for me.
A Thanksgiving dinner :)
A successful green bean casserole
Two wonderful people who have opened not only their home, but their hearts to me, becoming my "parents" while I am here
My roommate and dear friend, Julia
A Thanksgiving Skype date with both of my Grandmas :)
I love them both so much. They are beautiful cheerleaders in my life.
Things I am thankful for: A dad who has shown me the love of God every day of my life, a mom who edifies and cheers me on, sisters that would do absolutely anything for me, brothers that let me cry on their shoulders, an extended family that picks on me, prays for me, loves me and would gladly go to war for me, friends that listen, cheer, dream, plan trips to Africa, keep me accountable, pray for me, laugh with me and make music videos with me, and the beautiful people that God has blessed me with that see my dream and give me everything they can to help me get there.
Things I am thankful for in Belgium: My host family and the wood stove, my roommates, the metro, the walk to my internship, the skype dates, the samples at the store, my friends, the bible study, my church family (I have met people here who would help you in any way possible, I love these brothers and sisters), my french class, my french professor (who has adopted me into her abroad program), the choir that allows me to sing Christmas music every week, my increasing french skills, my central location of traveling, the lack of rain, and the delicious food.
I am thankful that my knee works (after reconstructive surgery), I am thankful I can wake up everyday with hope, I am thankful that I will always be loved, I am thankful that I can be here in this little country, I am thankful that I have a God I can talk to, trust, confide in, learn from, take refuge in and give my entire life to...knowing it will yield something greater than I could imagine.
I am thankful that this life I'm living feels like a dream and that the God I'm serving loves me. I'll never get over it.
I'm so blessed and so utterly thankful.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Please, give me Your eyes
Give me Your Eyes
A song from Brandon Heath goes like this:
Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken-hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the one's forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see
My entire journey here I have felt that God is preparing me to go elsewhere in the world, that this is simply a preview of what is to come. I really felt that the place I was going to reach for Christ was Uganda. I still feel like it. But then I came across a christian organization that works in Cambodia. That too, became one of my destinations. I really don't like thinking about the future because whenever I make plans, they rarely come into fruition. I have no solid plans in place, I just know that, because I gave it away years ago, my life will be used exactly the way God needs it to be used. That is my hope and aim.
I do have a feeling that my life will be spent mostly outside of the US. My first thought when people ask me what I want to do for a career quickly goes to a picture I have made in my mind; a small hut in Africa, very little belongings, orphans running around and the love of God holding everything together. That is my dream, but God does have a way of taking my dreams to an entirely different level.
This past weekend I went to Amsterdam with my class. It was our last trip and I was dreading it. I was tired from a rough week of many late nights and I had to give a presentation on the Dutch-Anglo wars of the 17th century (I know you want to hear about it...I actually really enjoyed learning about the wars). Exhausted, I was hardly excited to see a city known for its legalization of drugs. All I could think of was the irony of me being in a place full of druggies. I have only been made fun of my name for my entire life, why not be surrounded by people who think its awesome (side note: I love my last name and I wouldn't change anything about it, at this point in my life)?
Amsterdam is a very beautiful city filled with canals and small streets. I enjoyed walking over the bridges and seeing the city. However, it broke my heart completely.
When we arrived Friday I found it interesting that there were three red lights on the same street as our hostel. Okay, maybe it is just a rough part of town. The next day we woke up and started walking around the city. As I was taking a picture of a church I looked to the right of the church and there was a woman standing in a window staring at me. Startled, I quickly walked away.
As I followed the professor down an alley painted with naked women, I walked with two guys from my class, telling them about the woman I saw and how surprised I was. My story was cut short as I looked to my left and saw a reflection from the window to my right of a woman standing in her underwear. Making sure to not turn my head to left or to the right I looked forward to see a group of young guys. As we walked through them I couldn't understand what they were saying so I looked where their eyes were pointing. In the doorway right next to me there was a woman standing, just in her undergarments. Words had stopped coming from my mouth what felt like minutes earlier. It had to have been only thirty seconds of walking but it felt like forever. I was like "What? What did we just walk through?! Wait....WHAT IS THAT SMELL?!" They looked at me and replied "It's weed." Oh. I knew that. That was way to much for me. Everyone seemed so nonchalant. Did they not see the red lights hanging above the doorways and the women in the windows?!
It broke my heart. There is not way those women wanted to be there. Amsterdam allows prostitution...I had never seen it so prevalent before. I was really bothered by it. Here I am wanting to move to Cambodia to fight sex-trafficking when right in the city I'm visiting there is open prostitution. Every time I saw a woman in the window it broke my heart. The last day I was there I decided to look back at the woman in the window who was staring at me. I wondered what she was thinking. Was she thinking about me, and how I was clearly just visiting the city and leaving to go back to my stable life in Brussels. Did she want a way out? I wish I knew her story. Who harmed her, who lied to her and told her she was only worth her body, how did she turn from a beautiful little girl into the woman in the window, seducing onlookers with her body and glances?
I was reminded of a book I read this last summer that retold the story of the Old Testament prophet Hosea. Redeeming Love, by Francine Rivers, tells the story of a man commanded by God to marry a prostitute named Angel. Hosea rescues and marries her, only to be hurt by her time and time again as he chases after her to bring her back to him. The book provided an insight into the life of a prostitute I have never seen before as it illustrated the purpose of the actions of Hosea; to show how the Israelites acted towards God. It can show our relationship with God even today. How many times does He rescue us, only for us to run away to dirt we left behind, wanting to do things our own way?
The song above is a prayer of mine. I want Jesus to give me His eyes. As I walked through the streets I tried to picture the women as Jesus would have seen them; people who needed love. He hung out with the prostitutes and sinners, calling them to drink of His everlasting water. I want His eyes. I want to be His hands and Feet.
I walked away from Amsterdam with large eyes, still in disbelief at what I had seen. Those women deserve so much better than what they have. I know they don't want to be used. What life is left for them? If they continue to be in their servitude their lives will be empty and unfulfilled. I have no way of fixing it by myself. What they need is Jesus. Only then will their lives be complete.
I have little else to say only that my heart is breaking every time I think about what I saw and I haven't a clue on how to mend it.
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