I recently had to write an essay for an opportunity that I am SO VERY EXCITED ABOUT (Fulbright Scholarship to teach English next year?!) and in it I was talking about how next year is the first time I won't know what I am doing in the Fall. Every year, since I was six, I was always going to school come late August/early September. However, next year, that doesn't have to happen! I could be working, or in another part of the world, or in school, or starting my own business, or living at home with mom and dad (yay four-year degree!).
I've been anxious trying to figure out my life. I mean, it is all up to me...right? But then He hits me time and time and verse and verse again. "STOP IT KRISSY". And I chuckle and worry some more and He brings people and memories to remind me of the times He had my life figured out and did it His way...even when I tried to do it mine.
I remember my first year I was walking back to my dorm fretting about something that now, when looking back at it, I wish I had never even wasted a moment on. There I was fretting, kind of praying, kind of doing my own scheming when I heard "
Am I not enough?". I stopped quicker than anything and whipped around wondering who spoken. I'm not saying that God spoke to me, but I do believe He whispers in the winds and into our hearts. And He did that night. I teared up as I realized what I had been putting before Him. He convicted me and He continues to do so. Many times I'll realize that my thoughts are jumping to plans that I know are not His. Plans of becoming closer with the cute boy in my class when I know that the boy would not draw me closer to Him. Plans, plans and more plans. But my thoughts jump to worries more than anything. Because, clearly, I know better than the Creator of the Universe and I can change His mind by telling Him the way I want things done. Clearly.
Though I still struggle with completely surrendering every worry to God, it used to have a much bigger hold on my life. I'm not even close to being perfect, but I do serve a perfect God who is molding me into His image. I'm more an evidence type of person. Don't tell me something exists; show me. If something is important enough so I would revolve my entire life around it, then I better have the facts to back it up. I didn't simply believe that the Bible was true because that was what I heard from the time I was born, I sought out the evidence and, thank God, I found the truth. I've always had a soft spot for Thomas. Everyone seems to give him a hard time because he was the "doubter" and the "skeptic". I am thankful for him because I would have done the same exact thing. Jesus knew He needed a Thomas for some of us in the future.
Because God knows me, He knows that I need evidence and facts and histories. I do have faith, but that faith is based on what He has shown me. He has been pulling me from my worrying state by showing me He has it all taken care of. I've prayed for extensions on papers or cancellations of classes not really believing that He would answer them. Why would He when He has such bigger problems to deal with? Oh but I'm trying to put God into Human standards which He just doesn't fit. He blows my mind. So He answers my prayers and some. I was worried about friends in Belgium. God Answered: I'll give you friends that will become your family there. I worried about the health of my Grandmas (on multiple occasions). God Answered:That His timing was always perfect. I was worried about summer plans. God Answered: I'll send you to Michigan where you'll be surprised, yet again, at how good I am to you. I have been really worried about my health (I seem to enjoy hospitals). God Answered(s): It's all for my purpose.
And here I am again worrying about the Fall and I can just hear Him say "Really? Haven't we already been over this? I already know where you're going." So now, in faith, I'm applying like crazy, and praying like crazy. He has literally brought me to my knees. Often times I don't even know what to say. I just know that I need to bring it before Him and leave it there. Leave it there. But I'm not perfect and it is a daily struggle to trust Him. A daily struggle to deny myself. But He is faithful even when I am not so I'm casting my cares upon Him (1 Peter 5:7) and trusting that His will will be done in my life.
This is just a reminder I have in my planner...because I tend to forget.
Words of Life getting me through: Jeremiah 29:11-13, Proverbs 3:5-6, Proverbs 16:33, Philippians 1:6 (so good!), Philippians 2:13, Ephesians 2:10, Psalms 120:1, Isaiah 65:24, Isaiah 58:9, Psalm 46, Psalm 139.
