My friend, Melissa, has been encouraging me to break an old habit and create a new habit this Lent season. I don't celebrate Lent but I am for interpersonal development. I have plenty of habits I wish to break and plenty of habits I wish I had. So...I did it. I gave up Facebook. I don't want to but I know I should. I found myself spending more time on their than I needed and I would be up till 2 doing homework I should have done earlier when I was wasting my time.
I have thought about it a lot and fought against it a lot because I really enjoy Facebook. I love pictures and stalking people and seeing how old friends are doing. I just love people and genuinely enjoy experiencing part of their lives, even if it is through a computer screen. I don't feel good about this decision in the fact that it is something I'm attached to. But it is time I got over myself and became more intentional with my time. Each minute I have here is a gift and I do not wish to waste it. I am not judging anyone who chooses to be on Facebook (I mean, I'll be back on March 31st) but this is something I need to do.
I have a lot of decisions to make in the next few months and I need to spend time praying and reading and seeking God's will. Hopefully this decision will allow me to be intentional with what I am doing. No more wasting time when I should be writing a paper (hopefully) or being on FB instead of job searching or praying for people.
This is what I need for this season and I hope you join me in praying for wisdom and guidance. I'm excited to see how God transforms my time this next month. I'm also looking forward to blogging more and being free from another form of media.
I posted my decision to be FB free on both Facebook and here so I have no choice but to be held accountable; let the fun begin!
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Three Months
If everything goes according to plan, I will be handed my diploma in exactly three months. I'll wear my favorite dress and cover it with a gown that makes everyone look ridiculous. I'll pray over and over "Thank you, Lord! You brought me through."
I'm so excited for that day. I have never been in this spot before. I could go anywhere and do anything. I'm an adult and I will have a college degree. I don't have any dependents (except my goldfish and Khloe) so I can pack up and leave. It's so wonderful yet so scary.
It has been a busy time here at school so the blog has been lacking but I promise I'll return...I'm just trying to make sure I get that diploma in three months! woohooo
I'm so excited for that day. I have never been in this spot before. I could go anywhere and do anything. I'm an adult and I will have a college degree. I don't have any dependents (except my goldfish and Khloe) so I can pack up and leave. It's so wonderful yet so scary.
It has been a busy time here at school so the blog has been lacking but I promise I'll return...I'm just trying to make sure I get that diploma in three months! woohooo
Sunday, February 3, 2013
When God says No.
I recently had my heart broken. I cannot describe to you the feelings I felt but they were deep and they were strong. I don't think I have ever wanted something so much, and had it not happen. The severest of disappointments was accompanied by anger, hurt, tears, and peace. In a matter of ten minutes a thousand thoughts and feelings rushed through my body.
It happened in an email and no, it was not a boy that broke my heart; it was my country. I sent in my Fulbright application at the end of September and anxiously awaited the results. I was assured by professors and friends that I was the perfect candidate to teach English in Macedonia. I prayed and prayed. Family and Friends prayed for me and God's direction with my life. I prayed that His will would be done but I also prayed that His will would be yes. I was convinced that I was going to Macedonia. While reading through Paul's letters, Macedonia seemed to pop out every time. Paul was always traveling there or talking about the "Macedonian Call". I would smile to myself, excited, knowing that I had heard the Macedonian Call.
It was 1:00 am on a Saturday when I had the brilliant idea to check my email. I had been at RA training all day and figured why not? Stupid idea. I read it once. I read it twice. I was relieved to have an answer (finally) but that relief quickly changed to disappointment as I called my parents to tell them the news. I cried till I felt that it wasn't necessary to wash my face before bed. My mom said God was closing a door. I said He slammed it in my face, locked it, threw a way the key and burnt the door. She told me I was being a little dramatic but I already knew that. I deal with everything by being overly dramatic; it makes reality seem less stressful.
Since the email that broke my heart I have had some deep writings to God. They praise Him, they question Him, they cry to Him, they sulk. I have a constant battle of fretting and trusting Him. I prayed that His will would be done. I meant that. But now I'm scared because I don't know what the future holds (but I know who holds the future...so cheesy). I'm scared. The Fulbright would have allowed me to delay the "real world" (whatever that even means) for another year! Bam. Travel, draw closer to God, meet new people, heed the Macedonian Call....what could be better?!
I was having an emotional dump on Emily, my dear friend in Michigan. I told her about other things going on and this decision that God made for me. She asked if she could pray for me and, of course, I obliged. Emily prayed, thanking God for answering my prayer. I felt shame come over me with that one phrase. She continued on but I just concentrated on her thanking God for answering my prayer. Did I thank God? I think I did....but it was really hard for me to be thankful because His answer was no! But He still answered.
I guess I just anticipated updating my Facebook status to "Macedonia 2014?! Why not?! Thank you, Lord!". That thought didn't happen when I was rejected. "No Macedonia 2014?! Why not?! Thank you, Lord!".....nope, can't say I posted that.
You see, God answered, but I didn't like it. I wish I had accepted it with poise and grace but I don't know if that would have been a human response. I don't know...maybe it would have been. It wouldn't have been a Krissy response. He knew I was going to be hurt but I like to think of it as a father with a surprise for his child. The child wants a cheap toy at the store but the father won't give it to the child because he has a motorized jeep is back home hiding in the garage for the boy. The analogy could use some work but you get my drift. I know that God knew this would hurt me but I can hear him whisper "Just wait....something better is coming along." I'm excited to look back in six months or a year and thank God for answering my prayer His way. (But I'm working on thanking Him now too for answering it).
There are many many verses about men making plans but God's way is always perfect. Psalm 18: 32 reads "It is God who arms me with strength, And makes my way perfect." He makes my way perfect....He makes my way perfect.
So I'm trusting Him. And fighting the urge to worry. His way is perfect. I gave my life to Him and I know He'll use it to His purpose. But I've never been so unsure of the future. Graduation comes May 19th...then what?!I thank Him for answering me, for blessing me with this heartbreak and bringing the healing.
I'm excited to see what's next.
It happened in an email and no, it was not a boy that broke my heart; it was my country. I sent in my Fulbright application at the end of September and anxiously awaited the results. I was assured by professors and friends that I was the perfect candidate to teach English in Macedonia. I prayed and prayed. Family and Friends prayed for me and God's direction with my life. I prayed that His will would be done but I also prayed that His will would be yes. I was convinced that I was going to Macedonia. While reading through Paul's letters, Macedonia seemed to pop out every time. Paul was always traveling there or talking about the "Macedonian Call". I would smile to myself, excited, knowing that I had heard the Macedonian Call.
It was 1:00 am on a Saturday when I had the brilliant idea to check my email. I had been at RA training all day and figured why not? Stupid idea. I read it once. I read it twice. I was relieved to have an answer (finally) but that relief quickly changed to disappointment as I called my parents to tell them the news. I cried till I felt that it wasn't necessary to wash my face before bed. My mom said God was closing a door. I said He slammed it in my face, locked it, threw a way the key and burnt the door. She told me I was being a little dramatic but I already knew that. I deal with everything by being overly dramatic; it makes reality seem less stressful.
Since the email that broke my heart I have had some deep writings to God. They praise Him, they question Him, they cry to Him, they sulk. I have a constant battle of fretting and trusting Him. I prayed that His will would be done. I meant that. But now I'm scared because I don't know what the future holds (but I know who holds the future...so cheesy). I'm scared. The Fulbright would have allowed me to delay the "real world" (whatever that even means) for another year! Bam. Travel, draw closer to God, meet new people, heed the Macedonian Call....what could be better?!
I was having an emotional dump on Emily, my dear friend in Michigan. I told her about other things going on and this decision that God made for me. She asked if she could pray for me and, of course, I obliged. Emily prayed, thanking God for answering my prayer. I felt shame come over me with that one phrase. She continued on but I just concentrated on her thanking God for answering my prayer. Did I thank God? I think I did....but it was really hard for me to be thankful because His answer was no! But He still answered.
I guess I just anticipated updating my Facebook status to "Macedonia 2014?! Why not?! Thank you, Lord!". That thought didn't happen when I was rejected. "No Macedonia 2014?! Why not?! Thank you, Lord!".....nope, can't say I posted that.
You see, God answered, but I didn't like it. I wish I had accepted it with poise and grace but I don't know if that would have been a human response. I don't know...maybe it would have been. It wouldn't have been a Krissy response. He knew I was going to be hurt but I like to think of it as a father with a surprise for his child. The child wants a cheap toy at the store but the father won't give it to the child because he has a motorized jeep is back home hiding in the garage for the boy. The analogy could use some work but you get my drift. I know that God knew this would hurt me but I can hear him whisper "Just wait....something better is coming along." I'm excited to look back in six months or a year and thank God for answering my prayer His way. (But I'm working on thanking Him now too for answering it).
There are many many verses about men making plans but God's way is always perfect. Psalm 18: 32 reads "It is God who arms me with strength, And makes my way perfect." He makes my way perfect....He makes my way perfect.
So I'm trusting Him. And fighting the urge to worry. His way is perfect. I gave my life to Him and I know He'll use it to His purpose. But I've never been so unsure of the future. Graduation comes May 19th...then what?!I thank Him for answering me, for blessing me with this heartbreak and bringing the healing.
I'm excited to see what's next.
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