Letters from A broad: Broken Heart

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and He saves those whose spirits have been crushed."

Psalm 34:18

I wrote previously that Khloe was not doing well. There were a lot of different issues affecting her health. She had Lyme Disease, bad arthritis, a torn ACL and, in the end a growing tumor. I had been bracing myself the last couple of weeks as she was not acting her self. I was afraid that, while Eddie was away, I would come back to the apartment and find that she had passed. The last month(ish) was an emotional roller coaster as we made visits to the vet, medicated and tried to make her comfortable.

Though it sounds like a lot of pain, Khloe had an amazing life till the very end. She was so loved and so spoiled and I'm going to miss her so much. Dogs just get you. You don't have to explain or even have words for them just to come over and make you feel loved. Khloe loved being with me on the couch. At times when I was sick, she was right there helping me feel better. I wrote about my love for Khloe while I was in Belgium. You can read that post and see cute puppy pictures here. I also shared her amazing hello to me after I was gone four months. I love watching it over and over. She was the best puppy: Khloe's Hello.

It is really hard making the choice and making that last drive to the vet. Going into Monday, no one in the house slept. Khloe had kept us up that night. Eddie slept with her for a bit (we brought her into our room) but nothing seemed to help. She stopped whining as soon as it was time for us to get up. Eddie got ready to leave for a week of training and I packed up to head to my parents. It was clear that morning when Khloe started losing control of her functions that it was no longer fair to keep her in pain. Eddie and I had several talks leading up to that point but it was still so hard. I didn't want to make this choice. How could I willingly choose to make my life without Khloe? I prayed for peace and wisdom and sure enough, when the time came, I knew. We had a six hour trip a head of us. Khloe and Obadiah love the car so our trips are always great. We got stuck in three hours of traffic and the AC quit in 80 degree weather. But the pups were hydrated and in the shade. The traffic caused us to miss Khloe's "Quality of Life Assessment" appointment so it was rescheduled to Tuesday at 3:15pm.

I'm so thankful that I had that last night with Khloe. She got to hang out with her buddy Jack and see my parents. When I lived with my parents, we would take the dogs on their walk every night. Khloe was unable to walk long enough for our usual walk so we got her into a Radio Flyer wagon and took her out on the town. I sat outside with her in the grass till it was time for bed. I took a quick shower and got my cot positioned in between the three dogs. I noticed that Winston (my goldfish) was gone. He apparently died while we were on our walk and my mom took care of him as she thought it would be too much on me. The bowl shattered and sliced her hand. It was a rough couple of days! Khloe put her head on the floor right below my head on the cot and we had a great nights sleep.

The next morning was quiet as Khloe said good bye to her family. My mom took a half day and we took Khloe and Obadiah down to a beautiful boat launch by the river. She frolicked in the river, laid in the sun and had a great afternoon. I don't know why this has been stuck in my mind, but there was a picnic going on at the boat launch and an older gentleman came up and was asking what was wrong with Khloe. I was straight forward and told him we were about to take her to have her put down. He was so sweet. Just saying that to him helped me somehow. He was limping just like Khloe (bad leg I think) and he laughed and said "I'm just like your dog!". I laughed. Don't know why. It was like he normalized it for me. Like this "getting older" and "leaving this world" thing was a normal part of life.

We dropped Obadiah off and took a long drive which ended at the vet. I was sick. Khloe always hated going there. She was also very dramatic so, of course, why would that visit have been any different!? I was carrying her and she didn't want to be there so she started pushing against me and peeing on me. My mom turned around and was coming to me as I tried my best not to drop my 60 pound long dog. Just before Khloe was about to drop the vet flew from around the corner and scooped her up saying "I got you Khloe girl" (my heart...Dr. Delaney has always been so good to us). We had our own room and our own time with her. I gave her butter and told her how much I loved her and thanked her for being the best puppy I could've asked for. The whole room (my mom, the vet tech, the vet and I) all cried as Khloe breathed her last. It was peaceful. It was best for her. But boy do I sure wish I could've had her longer.

Khloe has always been my little girl. Always so happy to see me. Always willing to just be there with me. She is a friend that I'll always miss. But I am so thankful for so much. I am thankful that she was mine. Thankful for our time in New Hampshire together. Thankful we had a great last day and she wasn't in a lot of pain on that last day. Thankful for a vet who cries. Thankful for a mom who held it together when I couldn't. Who prayed with me outside the vet as my heart was breaking. Who sat with me and let me mourn my way: going to the laundry mat and taking care of things. I cried a lot before Khloe died and a lot after. I was worried about making the right choice. When all was said and done, there was a little relief. Relief in the fact that the vet verified that this was best for Khloe. Relief that she wasn't in pain. Relief that the choice was made.

That first walk with the other dogs is always the hardest. After we had Petey put down four years ago I remember laying in bed and my mom coming in and asking if I would like to take Khloe and Jack for a walk. I told her I couldn't as I was missing Petey too much. She told me I needed to get up for my other pups and she was right. I remembered that conversation as I held Obadiah's leash and mourned for my Khloe.

I'll always miss her but I'm so glad that she is mine to miss.

If I were to write an Obituary for Khloe it would go something like this:

Khloe

"Klo Klo, Kloster, Short-Long

March 27, 2008-June 13, 2017

Khloe was the sweetest dog who loved her family greatly. She loved long walks and sticks of butter. Her pup family throughout the years included Molly, Petey, Jack and Obadiah.

She loved sleeping in the sun and had a knack for finding any place comfortable to sleep, whether it be a bed, the couch or a basket of clean towels.

She hated the rain and was the biggest diva when she was around water.

She was an expert at tricking Jack so she could take his spot. She loved her bed. She loved sleeping; as any proper hound would.

She gave great kisses and hugs and loved massages.

She was the best greeter whenever her family came home.

She protected her momma on more than one occasion.

She made the home brighter and sweeter. She was a comfort in dark, lonely times.

She will be missed everyday.

I love you Khloe, thanks for making the last nine years with you so wonderful.

I hope when I get to my mansion in Heaven, you're waiting for me in the front yard.